"Curiosity is not becoming in a kajira"

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So...it's over. Can you believe it?

I don't want to go into details. Not yet. Not now.

I don't want emails...or anything.

Two things ended within 12 hours of each other. The other you all don't know about. But the other ...ended because of this journal.

I am not sure what the point of this journal is. It has recently caused me a lot of pain..and that might be just the reason I need to delete it. Or at least purge it of it's contents. You have no idea the trouble that can come from some real-life person finding out about a place like this.

So things will be changing. I might update, I might not. I might purge and restart this journal. I might not...

I will continue to read lj's though. Cuz somepeople..are just better when they are in the shadows.

First and foremost, one of the term of events that I find to be utterly exciting is that my Master has decided to give me a name. He has never liked my birth name and has never really used it. Which, is saying a lot since Wwe have been talking for over a year now. I generally was referred to as "cunt". But, it was his decision to give me a name.

I cannot beging to describe how happy I am. It just means so much. It..is a name. I am sure I would never be able to describe to a dominant what it means to a submissive to have a name. But, I think all submissives at least have a small understanding of what it means. How important and exciting it is. And how very treasured it is.

I can say that after the long time of being nameless..I do appreciate the name even more. I like being..me!

So your probably wondering what my name is eh?

mckenzie

It is just a name that He likes..and I like that a lot. I like that He has already used it with me a few times and it gives me butterflies.

He has asked that I tell my friends in real life that I have a nickname I liked to be called by. Which is fine and understandable. I am..working on it. I don't talk to many people to be honest. I like to keep to myself, so as I talk to people the topic will come up somehow..

It has with my roommate. he will call me it since I have requested it. And I am grateful for that. It sure was weird to be called it at first. But now, I have started to get used to it..and its great!

So..it has been a while since i last took the time to write in this lovely place. And there is good reason for that. First, i have been way too busy with life. A number of things have just been keeping my schedule packed and my days filled with all sorts of fun feelings. But thats just part of being a college student and having a family life. Then, nothing majorly wrong has occured with Master and i. i know that sounds wierd. But He let me create this place to vent and scream and kick..so i wouldn't keep doing it at Him ;-) . But really, thats why i "needed" a journal. i needed to talk about my feelings without getting Him angry over them. So..in a way it's good that i haven't posted. It means that things are going well between Him and i. And finally, despite my lack of time..i do make it to be online on occassion. But i am far more of a lurker than anything else. i like to read the journals of my friends..but i often don't feel compelled to update, especially when things are going well with my Master.

But i do feel the need to update a little and try to commit to doing so at least once or twice a week. Just because of the reason that i do lurk so much, i feel a little bit of a need to give back to the community.

So an update on my life?

Last quarter went surprisingly well. i ended up with a 3.4..which i am not satisfied with one bit. It's the best i have ever done..but, i didn't have to work for it. So it kinda doesn't feel like i deserve it.

S and i haven't taked at all during spring break. So nothing new on that front to be honest. Master is still dead set on the fact that i should come to, on my own conclusion, that S is not good for me and therefore i should terminate contact. i do see where my Master is coming from, and i do respect His wishes. But nothing has been made on that front really.

i got offically accepted into the study abroad program i wanted. So in June i will be leaving for China!! It's only a short term program. If they woulda had a longer one, i would have gone. But i wanted a program that gave me credits for my degree, not just free electives and thats a little hard to find. But with the grants and what not, i really am only paying slightly more than a quarters tuition to board, eat, fly, have a visa..all that jazz. Really good program..and i'm really excited. i have SO much to say on it but really, it would probably bore all of You.

The roommate is doing good too. we always have a ton of fun together. we went to chicago..and it was amazing. Right after finals we left and were there for St. Pattys Day. It was just..amazing.

Master and i are well. There are some issues still of course. But there is nothing overly large that is concerning Uus or destroying Uus..so that's good. i'll talk more on Him in another post. Wwe haven't gotten to see each other though :-( . i think it's offically been three months. But i am coping ok. my head isn't spinning out of control. There is just nothing either of Uus can do...and it'll be a while before there is something. But, that's how it goes sometimes.

i've started meditating. i think it is the best thing ever to help me with my problems or headspace. Of course there is only so much i can do on my own..so there always seems to be residue left over..but its better than a big glob of mess.

And all over things are going ok. Like i said, there are some problems. But, there will always be problems. So..i think it's going ok for now.

Master and I are actually doing really really well.

I can't even begin to explain how good things are.

A lot has changed. And I don't even know where to start. I no longer expect Him to read my mind. If i want His help to accomplish something, I ask for it. He has not turned me down yet. He is willing to help. He is willing to help me grow into the submissive i need to be.

He took a lot of time to put me in the right headspace. Over the course of this week, I finally felt that I was "there" again. I finally feel like I am "His" again. And i love it.

He really is wonderful. Wwe both have faults. But He ..is the Man that i know He is. i have learned that i need to not push Him in anyway. That He will take care of things.

There was a lot of talking. But the exchange of power is once again in place..and I am one happy girl.

mood: accomplished

So I just went through my entire journal to put tags on every one of my entires. It has been a task that I started long ago..but never had the will power to finish it. That is, until today. Every entry is tagged!! Woohoo!

But, it was actually really really good. I reminded me of some extremely good times with Master. Mainly, the enitre month of October. Other good times too..but October holds so much in such little time. Ug..I remembered so many good things.

The way He held me, the way He talked to me. It truly was a great time. I told Him a while ago, Wwe need a session..and Wwe do. Wwe desperately do. But with my finals comming up and His hetic schedule, I don't see it in the near future..or even the next month. *sigh*

But, it'll be good when it does happen. I am sure of that. I was uncertain that I could submit to Him again. Kneel at His feet naked while He is fully clothed. But for the first time, in a very long time I find myself deeply wanting that again..

Yes, things are looking up.

Em also said  "As far as denying contact as punishment...I think he uses it as an excuse for himself to have less contact with you. "

This is one part of what she said that I had trouble swallowing. I didn't want to believe her. I wanted to scream and shout that it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. He was busy. Can't you hear me?! He really is busy!

But it turns out that I am the fool. He wasn't that busy. In fact, I don't even know anymore if He has ever been truly busy. See what happens when trust is destroyed? Ug..So much doubt in Him. In the one Man, I gave all my trust to..He just decided it would be fun to see what happened if He threw it out the window.
But it was an excuse. There were tons of excuses. He played with me. Getting me to continue to write Him, to continue to serve Him when He had no intention of helping me, teaching me, guiding me. Just letting me aimlessly walk down a path on my own. Completely lost.

Can you tell that there is still a lot I have to get over?

Then Em, told me to look at the benifits of this relationship. There are some. I don't feel the need to clarify them. But...I do believe I deserve someone who has time for me. Who cherishes me. I need someone who thinks I am special..who will take time to make sure I am ok, to take time and tell me about themselves.

It took a lot of soul searching to get where I am now. And I don't even know where that is.

The reason I have disabled comments is because this is in the past. The very past. I am trying to get over it. I am trying to find peace. I don't know if I will..but I am trying.

Em mentioned that she believed He wasn't looking out for my best interest. This is yet another point I have agreed with..

The only thing I can think of that He did was the starving thing. Ordering me to do it so I would never want to again. In a sick twisted way, it might be His way of showng He has my interest at heart, but it is def not the best interest. He did create the rule where if I shower in a day, I have to eat that day..

But..my life is rather uneffected by Him.

When I was fighting for Him to let me get a job, His reasoning was not that my grades would suffer (which they do when I work). Nor was it that I get too involved in work and would end up working too much overtime and burning myself out emotional and physically. No, His reasoning was that He would get bored of me if I was around less than I currently was. There was no "need" for me to get a job. And technically He is right..there is no need. But His reasonings had nothing to do with my best interest..

Tanning? He told me if I would continue to be as pale as I am that He would soon be bored with me.

Weight loss? I was happy with how I was going, eventhough it was slow..before He jumped in. He knows how much having someone involved just makes me nuts and depressed about my weight. Which, thankfully I think He has begun to realize and backed away.

But the list goes on and on. His interests in me are not deeply rooted.

I know..I am saying a lot bad about Him right now...but things have gotten better and I will talk about that in a bit..